I know what it probably looks like. What it looks like to him, I know for sure.
It looks like lust. Looks like I did it because of Chris.
It's not like that, not in the very least. I had these doubts for a good long time. Chris complicated things, but I was going to do this no matter what, and I was going to do it now.
When I said a few entries back, "I could have it...." I meant passion. I didn't mean with Chris. I meant maybe in my life, I could have passion, somehow, with someone. Maybe it doesn't always have to be like this. That is what I meant, and that is all.
Things are over. For good. No going back. I'm moving out soon and I don't know when I'll have the net or even a telephone again.
I'll be renting a spare room at Chris's house. I would have moved back to Vt (in with a friend who I had doubts about living with cause of certain things she likes to do that I don't want to be part of), but he offered, and it's easier to not have to move very far, at least at first, and also...things would be even worse in Vt. Right now I need to be in a peaceful environment and figure shit out. In Vt I wouldn't have the breathing room to do that. So, I would have done it, and was halfway planning on it, but this is better.
No. I'm not starting a relationship with this guy.
At work they'll be buzzing when the address on my paycheck changes. I may be fired because my boss is weird like that. He knows I was living with someone, and he himself feels pretty strongly about Chris, who comes back every year at this time to work for him.
I'm the outsider. The one they won't stop talking about behind her back. The one the boss is giggling at, watching, wide-eyed, eager for her to fall so he can kick her and tell the story later. He loves reality tv. He's applied for several and has been interviewed. He thrives on drama.
So. New status. New home. New job?
Is this new? No. Not at all.
Why? I can't say. Wish I could.
I asked for all of it, every last thing, and I got it. I don't feel sorry for myself. Not in the least. I know quite well how I got here. I don't know what comes next.
My ex looked down on me all high and mighty and I pointed out that he's done before the same exact fucking thing I just did, even if he wants to sugarcoat it. Which he does.
daily dose of general crap
Right now I love:
my friends.
Your visual link to me:
Search Yahoo Launch for "Finger Eleven"...Play: "One Thing"
Currently on repeat:
Madonna -- "Die Another Day"
Favorite Current Quote:
"I just know I'll go for it and there'll be coffee everywhere and I'm just not going there." (From Chris, referring to THE FLY...the tiny thing which kept circling just because it could.)
history of the daily crap
* as of 10/13/04, I started telling the 'story of my life'...click here to start at the beginning. If you're going to bother to read at all, you may as well.
